Alexa Falk

"Deadly Beauty" NEDA contract!!!

2012-01-19T11:49:00.000-08:00

1/18/12

Today was a fantastic day in all realms of life! I'm just about to meet with my family to toast to the signing of a contract that means so much to me! Natalee and I are now “officially” ambassadors for NEDA. (National Eating Disorder Association) and I couldn't be more grateful for this opportunity to heal others through music. It's been a long journey to be this person that I am today… much longer than I’d like to admit. I'm not who I once was, I no longer think they way I once thought, and I no longer make the self-destructive decisions I chose to make once upon a time. Thank God!

I've found life is worth living, when you choose to let yourself just be YOURSELF, and not who someone else wants you to be. Changes don't happen over night, but they DO happen! I'm so inspired to help others come to the realization that they are good enough. Right now! Exactly as they are! We can never add to, or take away from our essence… and I hope that one day we will define, and live by our own version of beauty. It is my personal belief that if we had a world of people who truly loved themselves, then we'd have a more loving world.

I'm beyond exited to produce a new version of our song "Deadly Beauty" with Jason Deere (The first producer I ever worked with) He taught me everything I know about songwriting, and has been my biggest musical mentor! In about a week we'll be working with him in Nashville on our new album, as well as a new single version of "Deadly Beauty." We plan to create a powerful video that will hopefully impact as many people as the song has. I'm so excited about this partnership, and am looking forward to the upcoming NEDA concerts! 2012 is just beginning to unfold, and I have a feeling it's the start of an amazing journey!

***Please check out, support, and share these incredible sites! ***

NEDA
http://www.facebook.com/NationalEatingDisordersAssociationNEDA
http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org
Helpline Number: 800.931.2237

NEDA FOR TEENS
http://www.facebook.com/Proud2BmeUSA
http://www.proud2Bme.org

Positive Affirmations

2011-11-30T14:16:00.000-08:00

If ever I'm sad, I just read a few affirmations!
That's all it takes!

I LOVE you, Goodbye...

2011-11-16T17:59:00.000-08:00

I LOVE you, Goodbye….

Maybe we made a pact in heaven before this life…to come down and help each other’s souls grow to a depth unimaginable. Your love strengthened me, and completely broke me all at the same time. You broke who I thought I was, and all the shattered pieces revealed the person I really am, but neglected to see. You showed me every area where I WASN’T loving myself. My every insecurity was so highlighted in your presence that the unbearable feeling of “I’m not good enough” forced me back to GOD. It forced me back to the realization that no matter what I do, what I say, what I look like, how much money I make, or what my career is… that NONE of that is me. For I am a piece of the DIVINE, and you merely helped me remember that.

Nothing of the EGO, or material world can compare to the sheer magnificence of my being. It was an incredible awakening to realize that I’m NOT this body, rather the LIGHT it carries. I forgot that, and I’ve wanted to hate you for showing me…but in truth I just love you more. I’m ready to release you to your highest good, and forgive you for not being what I wanted you to be. I created a dream that you were apart of, but I must realize it’s STILL my dream… even if you aren’t in it anymore. Your role may be over, but I’m willing to be okay with that. I loved you beyond this life. My soul loved you, still does, and always will.

You don’t know this, but you led me home. You reminded me that I’m greater than who I chose to be when I was with you. You reminded me of my innocence, purity, compassion, and divinity. Those are things that can never be lost, for they remain of the heart, not of the body. With relationships I’m learning that GOD doesn’t send you perfect people, he sends you people that will help you grow. People who will offer you lessons in learning your own perfection. People who are angels in disguise. You were my angel. Sometimes those lessons we learn feel like the most awful experiences, but in truth they are blessings…showing us all the ways we were not LOVING ourselves.

I didn’t love myself, and that’s why I thought I needed you to love me. I looked to you for everything I wasn’t giving myself. Love, attention, happiness, validation, trust, faith etc. I needed you to see me, but really it was ME who needed to see me. I’m sorry I put such a heavy burden of expectation on you. I only needed you because I didn’t think I could need me. I didn’t trust that I was enough alone, but now I know that I’ve always been strong enough, pretty enough, smart enough… just good enough as I AM! You weren’t responsible for my happiness, or my sadness. I’m sorry I thought you were.

I love you so much, and I always will, but I’m willing to release you so that I can release myself. I’m ready to free my heart of the heavy burden it has carried. I’m ready to feel alive again, truly alive. I’m ready to accept God’s plan, and open my arms to a new love. You triggered things in me I never wanted to face, but I HAD to in order for me to really grow into my highest self. There are still times when I want to find the nearest bush to throw up in when I see you with someone else, but I’m giving you to God. I choose to release this resentment towards you. You played a bigger role in my life than you’ll ever know. I realized I can’t hate you, for you gave me the greatest gift I’ve ever received.
The gift of myself ☺

Should… OR shouldn’t? (FALK IT!)

2011-11-09T15:49:00.001-08:00

Should… OR shouldn’t?
(FALK IT!)

Today I found myself struggling with what I “should” do, as opposed to what I wanted to do. Should, for me is a loaded word. It carries the fear of what will happen if I don’t, and the guilt that accompanies the feeling of letting others down. We all think the thoughts of I “should,” and I “shouldn’t.” (Example: I should look like this, I shouldn’t say that, I should do what they say, I shouldn’t question that etc.) But why are we

“should-ing” on our selves? Who says we have to be a certain way? Whose voice is in our head pouring on this guilt? Are we trying to live a life that maybe our heart doesn’t want? Have we ever asked ourselves what it is that we DO want, instead of creating a life based on someone else’s standards?

It’s interesting, because once we address the “shoulds” we place on ourselves, we start to notice the “should’s” we place on other people! Why is it that we judge not only ourselves, but also other people for the choices they make in their life? Judging someone only makes him or her wrong. Why would we choose to make not only ourselves, but also another human being “wrong?” Weren’t we all created perfectly? Isn’t everyone a perfect reflection of our creator? Isn’t everything just a learning experience?

So when we look at people, and we make assumptions about who they are…we judge by saying “oh my God I would never do that, say that, wear that etc.” It really pisses me off… because how do you know? How do you know that if you had a tragic childhood that you wouldn’t deal with it through the methods some choose to heal their pain? How do you know that you wouldn’t respond THAT way, make THAT decision, dress like THAT, and act like THAT? How do you really know? How do you know until you experience something similar?

I’ve learned to never judge someone for how they treat me, or the decisions they make…because people are living off of THEIR OWN pain. And it’s really NOT ABOUT ME, it’s about THEM. That’s where forgiveness comes in. Forgiveness is a huge aspect of life, because it doesn’t free anyone but ourselves… so I’m learning to forgive myself, and others for not being what I thought they “should” be.

I have been guilty of trying to change people to how I think they should be. It really isn’t fair for me to want someone to be different than who they are. I’ve been working on releasing all criticism, and accepting others EXACTLY AS THEY ARE. When we are critical of others it’s just a reflection of how critical we are of ourselves. I have absolutely no room to judge, because whatever someone else has done- I’ve probably matched/or trumped it. - We fall off the wagon sometimes but God can use our veer of direction to strengthen our soul. God turns our misery into our ministry. I know this first hand… how else would I have been able to write some of the lyrics that I have?

So now it’s about learning how to be authentic to myself, and not what my parents, sister, friends, boyfriend, society, media, and religion tell me to be. I still struggle in certain areas, but I must say I’m proud of myself for taking the steps toward listening to my own heart. I’m choosing to no longer use the word “should” because it has an attachment to the feeling of obligation. Instead I’ll use “could.” My favorite author, Louise Hay always says that using “could,” instead of “should” frees us from guilt, and opens the door to possibility. It’s a scary, and exciting place to be, but I’ve got to love my self through it, and allow myself to break the limitations of what others want for me.

We have all got to free our hearts of not only the judgments we place on others, but also the judgments we place on ourselves. It starts with forgiving ourselves for not doing better, for not being better, for messing up. It takes a moment of going back to that scared person, in that situation we were in, and saying “I’m so sorry that I’ve been angry at you for making that decision that you chose to make in that moment. I have blamed you, but I’m willing to forgive you. You didn’t know any better. You were scared, you did what you thought you could, you thought you could fix it, you thought it would make someone love you, you thought it could protect you. I forgive you for making THAT choice. I forgive you for not knowing any better, and I free myself in this moment. I’m willing to love, and approve of you for who you are right now. I’m sorry for hating you, I forgive you for not being perfect.”

Hopefully when we can forgive ourselves for not always making the “right” decision (if such a thing even exists) then maybe we can ease up on the people around us. There really is no such thing as “should,” or “shouldn’t” in this life. It’s all a lesson, and we can choose to learn through pain, or pleasure. I’ve had enough pain to last me a lifetime, so I’m gonna learn through joy from now on. If I make a mistake… oh well. Who doesn’t? And who’s to say what’s a mistake vs. what is potentially the GREATEST decision of your life? Some of my greatest “FALK” ups have turned into my most beautiful, humbling moments. So I guess the judgment goes beyond just our decisions, but also our circumstances. Who’s to say what is a positive experience, vs. a negative one? Isn’t all of God good? Isn’t all of life good? And if it’s not, isn’t that just our perception? Idk… but I guess I’ll keep living and find out! Oh… and “FALK” the shoulds…

I'm willing to forgive myself...

2011-10-19T22:13:00.000-07:00

I wish I had done it differently. All of it!!! I looked at pictures of myself with Natalee and some friends after dinner tonight, and I just wanted to bawl. How was it that we all started out as fragile little girls, and somewhere down the line some of us became so broken? Some of us wandered so far off our course that we almost didn’t make it back. I almost didn’t make it back.

Why did I have to make life so hard on myself? Was it so I would have a “story?” was it so that I could be a better songwriter?” Was it because I decided I wanted to learn the depths of suffering so that I could empathize with the human condition? Why? Why did I do this to myself?

My life could’ve been different. And I guess that’s the upsetting reality that led me to crying hysterically on my brother’s bathroom floor. My tears weren’t for anything that is going on in my current life, but more or less for the innocence I lost because of the decisions I began making at the age of 12.

For Natalee, her childhood is filled with happy memories. She looks forward to holidays, she likes going through scrapbooks, telling stories, and watching family video’s. She naturally has a fun, optimistic outlook to life. I’m happy now, but I’ve worked damn hard to feel this way. Childhood for me was much different. It’s something I’ll probably spend the rest of my life getting over, and over-compensating for. It’s amazing the depths of hell a human heart can reach… and by their own doing.

My hell was all my own doing. Every bit of shame, hate, sadness, guilt, and fear was a choice. And it was a choice that I made… no one made it for me. Yes, shit happened. However, no one made me do what I did. I’m no longer going to play the “victim” role. No one thought for me, no one created my reaction. No one has ever been harder on me than I have been on myself. It’s so sad to realize I’ve been my biggest bully. I can’t change the past, but I can change my tomorrows. I’m going to try being my biggest fan and see what a difference that makes. Mantra for the week: “I love and approve of myself exactly as I am.” “I forgive myself for not being perfect.”

I need to find a way to get back to my innocence. Start over without the “Shoulds” that I put on myself. Is there a way I can re-create my life, and not live with my gut-wrenching past that underlies every moment? I guess this is the part where I put it all in Gods hands. “Please free me of my former self, please help me start over, please help me see with new eyes, please help me begin again”

I’m learning to forgive the person that I was, because I know she was merely the sacrifice for the person I’m becoming. As I continue to write this blog I’m not as angry at myself, but more compassionate… I was just doing the best I knew how to do with the knowledge, and understanding that I had at the time. I was just a kid, if I knew how to do it all better, I would’ve. I’ll never forget everything that happened, but I know that for me, life can only get better. It’s time to create the life that I want, not the life that I had ☺

Tough times don't last... tough people DO!!!

2011-10-12T20:18:00.000-07:00

It’s been a while since I’ve written a blog. I figured it was necessary to reflect, and get all this stuff out, so that it no longer lives inside of me. I feel like I’ve been hit with more adversity than I’ve ever had to endure before. It’s been a roller coaster in just about every aspect of my life. The highest of highs, along with the lowest of lows. God was really testing my faith when I found out that Brad Barton, a close family friend suddenly died. It was the cherry on top of a Sunday I didn’t want to consume. I found myself waking up struggling with finding a point to this thing we call life. I was devastated, and everything seemed meaningless.

The last time I felt like that was when I was sixteen. I didn’t know how to handle all the disappointment, and sadness being thrown at me. I gave up on hope, on my dreams, on possibility… I gave up on myself. Feeling like this again worried me… I couldn’t afford to relapse into self-destructive patterns. The morning of Brad’s funeral I was playing the “victim” role. I felt powerless to the chaos swirling around me, and just wanted to cry. I needed someone to blame for what I perceived as the depressing reality of my life. Thanks to of all of the tools I’ve developed along my path of healing, I learned to never pray for a “change of circumstances,” but to pray for a “change in perspective.” At Brad’s funeral I got it.

“Every man dies, but not every man truly lives.” A quote from Brad -A man who truly lived, and did it his way. He had a love affair with his life, and just listening to, and being around him put you at ease. He made you appreciate every delicious breath, every hug, and every sunset. He lived loudly, and didn’t care what people thought of him. (Always up for a good time, no matter how much sleep he lost.) When he took a break from coaching my little brother, Brad and I would always end up talking God, religion, people, purpose, music, poetry, and the power of love.

He truly loved. He loved his family, his hometown, his friends, God, his country, his players, and the game of basketball. Everyone he met was a better person for knowing him. Brad was one of the most non-judgmental people I had ever known. It felt safe to be honest with Brad. I’ll never forget the night that we stayed up until almost 4:00 am. I sat cross-legged on the marble countertop drinking coffee, while Brad and my mom sipped on fine wine. He read his poetry, and encouraged me to share my un-fished music. He was the first person that heard my song “Deadly Beauty.” Because of his positive reaction, and support I had the confidence to share, and be open with the story of that song. He gave me the courage to be honest about my past mistakes, and because of that I’ve been able to help so many people through my own overcoming. Recently Natalee and I were in NYC performing on the Brooklyn bridge at a NEDA walk (National Eating Disorder Association) I’ve never been so humbled by an audience before. So many people thanked me for writing the song, and it was amazing to see what an impact it had on the lives that surround me. I can’t help but credit Brad, who was brave enough to be himself, and helped me to do the same.

He was a living angel, and now he’s a real one. “Tough times don’t last, tough people do” was a favorite quote of his, read aloud at the funeral. When I heard it I knew it was a message directly for me, and my family. We were all at major crossroads in our lives, and it was what we desperately needed to hear. Because of his death my family has taken steps towards forgiving, and becoming closer. I can’t help but think Brad has something to do with that.

After the service I drove home with a feeling of comfort, and clarity. I was in the thick of the storm, but had my belief in a rainbows again ... I saw the most glorious one I’ve EVER seen yesterday. It made me think of Brad, and savor a deep breath. I know I’m going to be okay. I’m a tough girl. This time in my life wont last… but I will ☺

-Love you Brad

Almost Home!

2011-06-29T14:08:00.000-07:00

I woke up in Utah this morning, and today just might be the day I make it back to my OWN bed! It’s been almost three weeks, and I’m having withdrawals! We went over our schedules yesterday and I felt like I needed to take a nap after reading the itinerary for the summer. I guess I can look at it all like an adventure! Speaking of… Nat and I are going camping this weekend! I’m going to get her to do some things that make her very uncomfortable!

A lot has gone on since my last blog… too much to write, but it’s all been great! My dad turned 49 on Sunday! I have so much appreciation for that man! There were a rough few years there, but being able to talk to him now, I can see that he only had the best intentions… even thought I didn’t see it that way! He’s been such a rock in my life. He has the greatest character, and the biggest heart of anyone I know. He came from nothing, and created everything. I am so proud of him! We’re going fishing in a few weeks, and I can’t wait! I may wear heels everyday… but I love the boy stuff too ☺

As far as music goes… there is A-LOT of good stuff going on! Jason Deere, a producer that I’ve been working with since I was nine years old flew into Utah for the past couple of days! We’ve been songwriting, and laughing/catching up! It’s been so much fun, and I love the songs we just finished! I wish I could record them, and share them with everyone right NOW!!! I’m excited for what the future holds… It’s looking like I’ll be spending some time in Nashville. It’s time to buy some new cowboy boots!

Just Go With It

2011-06-23T11:54:00.001-07:00

It’s been an interesting week… I was supposed to go home, and was informed that it wasn’t possible. I have a producer flying in the second I land in Utah, so who knows when I’ll get to sleep in my own bed. I was pretty pissed about the whole thing… I can’t lie. It took a day of slamming doors, and going on a long run for me to realize that I could make it a living hell, or a great experience. Once I finally shifted my perception I’ve been able to make the most of the current situation!

Since I only packed for 3 days, I’ve had to buy an entirely new wardrobe… guess that’s not SO bad ☺ So far we’ve gone exploring in Santa Monica… Thursdays have consisted of Karaoke, and dancing. All of my friends are just about my height…except for my little cousin who is 5’3”. As soon as I got done rocking Pat Benetar’s “Heartbreaker,” she informed me that she, and the handful of shorties in the audience could see straight up my skirt! I had a drink or two and was really getting into it… no doubt they got a show! Hahahahha since that night my new favorite game has been to give out Natalee’s number to every guy who asks for mine! It’s very entertaining, since men in LA are so forward! Vanessa, (my moms assistant) came out to help with things, and brought her son. She’s only a few years older than I am, so she’s just an addition to the estrogen fest! Every night we make smore’s and Natalee and I speak in our persona’s (Karl with a K, and Willfred!) our accents are almost perfection!

We have a pool in the backyard so it’s kinda weird roasting marshmallows while on beach chairs! Natalee nearly blew up the house… TWICE! It’s time she had propane lessons! She has been cracking me up all week! Her new purpose in life is to make “the perfect smore!” She’s now using Reeces instead of chocolate, and makes sure she gets her fix in every night! I swear, as long as we are together we could be entertained. We talk in accents, we wrestle, we dance, we make up secret handshakes, we prank call, and we think we’re hilarious… though not everyone would agree with us! My cousin Mandy is just like the 3rd sister. With her visiting we’ve been trouble makes ALL week! Hahahah she and Natalee pulled an all-nighter after the BBQ last night… so I can’t wait till those dinglebats crash! Till then, I’m loading them with coffee… today is gonna be epic!

Overall this week has been fun despite what’s gone one! We’ve gotten tans, enjoyed lots of latte’s, I’ve written about three new songs, read a few books, kicked ass at card games, gone out to sushi with a good friend, watched lots of movies, danced, bbq’s with my brothers football buddies, and played a lot of guitar! the best part of it all has been being with my brother luke! Being out here makes me realize how much I miss that kid! This week wasn’t what I had planned, but I’m just going with it, and I’ve been pleasantly surprised! I’m realizing I don’t know what’s best for me, so I’m just gonna go with it, and put it in gods hands. I don’t know where I’ll be in a few weeks, but I trust it will be great!

This Too Shall Pass

2011-06-15T17:42:00.000-07:00

This Too Shall Pass

I guess you truly have no control over what happens in life, you can only control your reaction. On Sunday a string of events seemed to rise to the surface, and there was a giant explosion. I wont go into the details, but it wasn’t pretty. I had to immediately pack and get on a plane to help with the situation. It’s amazing where your mind will let you go during something like that. Fear has a way of blocking out all light, and possibility (I know that was the case for me on Sunday) Now, as I’m sitting here three days later… I’m amazed at this thing we call life. On Sunday, none of it seemed to make sense at the time, but now it’s as if it was perfectly orchestrated. We cry, then we laugh, and the pattern keeps repeating… and in-between we learn. A lot. I guess that’s the beauty of it all.

My brother Luke and I have found a way to make light of the situation. I’m so grateful for the ability to find happiness, amidst a sea of sadness. I know I wouldn’t be able to go through any tough times if it wasn’t for the support and love of my family, and friends. Sometimes It takes a catastrophe to realize how blessed you are. I am so grateful for the amazing people I’m surrounded by! When it’s raining, there is always a rainbow that follows… This too shall pass ☺

Deservability Treatment

2011-06-08T10:00:00.000-07:00

The following "Deservability Treatment" is from Louise L. Hay's Love Yourself, Heal Your Life Workbook. I hope it helps you as much as it has me!

<3 Deservability Treatment <3

I am deserving. I deserve all good.
Not some, not a little bit, but all good.
I now move past all negative, restricting thoughts.
I release and let go of the limitations of my parents.
I love them, and I go beyond them. I am not their negative opinions, nor their limiting beliefs. I am not bound by any of the fears or prejudices of the current society I live in. I no longer identify with limitation of any kind.

In my mind, I have total freedom.
I now move into a new space of consciousness, where I am willing to see myself differently. I am willing to create new thoughts about myself and about my life. My new thinking becomes new experiences.

I now know, and affirm that I am at one with the Prospering Power of the Universe. As such, I now prosper in a number of ways. The totality of possibilities lies before me. I deserve life, a good life. I deserve love, an abundance of love. I deserve good health. I deserve to live comfortably and to prosper. I deserve joy and happiness. I deserve freedom to be all that I can be. I deserve more than that. I deserve all good.

The Universe is more than willing to manifest my new beliefs. And I accept this abundant life with joy, pleasure, and gratitude. For I am deserving. I accept it; I know it to be true.

Work-In-Progress

2011-06-01T09:24:00.001-07:00

When did it start? This need to criticize! Not only other people, but ourselves. I’d like to think I’m a positive person, but trying to go ONE day without criticism of any form didn’t happen. I caught myself criticizing quite a few times. Personally, I know I have a lot of things I’d like to work on. Being organized, not picking my skin, answering my phone, saying FALK instead of the F-word, doing laundry instead of buying new socks, keeping less than 10 window open at a time on my computer, and walking straight! (I’m pigeon toed) There is a lot of self-improvement taking place, and I’m afraid I’ll have to admit I might always be a work-in-progress.

It makes me sad that we as human beings are so quick to punish, and be-little ourselves, and others the first chance we get. We say things like “I’m stupid, I can’t do that, I’m too tall, too short, too fat, too thin, too loud, too clumsy”… and on and on our mental banter goes.” God, it’s amazing how many things humans HAVE TO BE GOOD AT! You’d think we would cut ourselves some slack! I can tell you right now that I’m sick of hating on myself for messing up… because it happens a lot…

If I can be in a state of compassion, instead of crucifixion for myself I’ve found that I make more positive changes. Instead of thinking “I knew you couldn’t do it! Great job, you messed up again.” I’m now trying to think, “it’s okay, you’ve come ___ far, and you’ll get through this. It’s just a set back, and you’re learning from it.” Being nice to myself is still a bit foreign, but it feels good! We’re all just doing the best we knew how to do. When a child attempts walking, it will fall a few times before it gets the hang of it. It’s okay to fall, mess up, get dirty, break, cry… it’s okay to NOT have it all figured out!

This thing called Perfectionism is so crippling, because it limits our authentic self. I have an extremely loud voice, and tend to be very inappropriate at times. Some people find it hilarious; others aren’t so amused… I used to care, but I realized I’m never meant to be the shy girl who keeps her mouth shut! I’m sorta loud, and obnoxious, but I’m cool with it! I like to mess with people from my car window, I like to do things out of the norm, and shock the innocent bystanders! I making everyday fresh, new and exciting! Meaning, I like to do what I like to do, not what is normal, acceptable, or “standard!”

I’m not good at everything, but I don’t need to be, I just need to be good at being me! I realized I can’t ever control my own reputation, and not everyone is going to like, or agree with me, or my choices! If I walk into a room with 30 people in it, I’ll walk out with 30 different concepts of “who I am.” But another person’s perception of me doesn’t make it reality. I used to believe what other people said went…but now the only voice I’m going to listen to when it comes to me, is my own! So, I had better make it a loving, encouraging, positive voice! I’m just doing the best I know how to do. If I knew better, I’d do it better… work-in-progress!

(Take today to compliment yourself for all the good within you!)

2011-05-25T15:00:00.000-07:00

Let Go, Let God!

I was interviewed a few days ago, and one of the questions I was asked was “Where would you like your music to be in 5 years?” I told the camera crew that I refused to answer that question! They gave me the strangest look, until I explained that because of what happened with our music before… I no longer like to make “Goals.” They are great, but when you become so consumed with getting from point A, to Z… you loose the life, and the brilliance in-between.

I keep 3 suitcases zipped within each other in the trunk of my car. AT. ALL. TIMES. I never know when I’m going to have to up-and-leave! This alone makes me realize how crazy my life is. Always traveling between Utah, and wherever else we need to be for our music! Some days I laugh about this, and some days I cry. When I was growing up I never imagined it would be this way. I sort of always thought we would’ve “made it” by now. I’ve had close to 5 record deals fall apart since I was 11 years old. That’s a consistent ten years of heartbreak from riding the music business roller coaster.

I wish I had learned to be present back then. Every time a deal fell through, it was as if my life was falling apart. I was Chicken Little, and my sky was always falling. I dropped out of life, became a recluse, and home-schooled. If I wasn’t touring, or recording in LA, New York, Nashville, or Sweden I was at home on my piano… sulking, and reveling in depression. I put my life on hold, and was always “waiting” to live! The next record deal was always “just around the corner,” and I didn’t believe my life could start until my music career was a full-proof reality! Well… it never was, and It’s sad that I missed out on so many years. I look back, and I’m so grateful because I swear to God I’ll never waste my life again!

I’m learning success isn’t how much money you make, how many fans you have, or what kind of status is attached to your name. Success is a mindset. One of the greatest quotes I’ve ever heard is “your process is your product” It’s so true. I can no longer expect to exhaust myself, and then all of the sudden be happy when I’m “successful.” It doesn’t work like that! Right now is all I have. This moment! The past no longer exists, and the future isn’t even here. Time is in our minds; all we ever have is right now. And right now, in this moment I have a choice… and I choose to be happy!

No matter how much I want something, sometimes the best thing you can do is let it go. Whether it’s a job, a relationship, or anything else important to me…my walking mantra has become Let go, Let God. I let this whole music thing go about 7 months ago. I grieved it, said goodbye, and had to be okay with it not working out. Since then something kinda funny has happened. I no longer have had to “force things to go my way… it just sorta does. Haha it’s funny…Due to my new approach at life, my mom gets so pissed off at me because she thinks “I don’t care about anything!” I tell her that’s not true… I care, just not that much. I have found caring, needing, and forcing things to work out the way you want only causes anxiety, and suffering if your expectations aren’t met.

It’s a hard lesson to learn, and I learned it at an early age. Now that I’m finally having fun, and enjoying my life things seem to just come to me…. And without strain! It’s like my eyes have opened to the abundance of opportunities, and unlimited options the universe has to offer! I’m not saying I don’t get sad, and upset that things didn’t go the way they were supposed to in my mind…I’m just learning how to be happy in the meantime. I spent eight years of my life overlooking the small things. So now I keep a journal, and just write down everything I’m grateful for.

It’s the cup of coffee with a friend, a compliment, smiling at a stranger, a first kiss, a puppy, it’s telling your dad you love, and appreciate him. It’s watching your brother’s football game, a long distance phone call, reading your diary from when you were eight, and soaking up your grandma’s wisdom while you bake a cake! It’s painting your nails with your girlfriends, and lying by a pool! It’s listening to a rainstorm, and reading a great novel. It’s the little things that give us color, and add the most joy! ☺ There are so many things I’d like to do, and experience, and now I trust in it all to work out the way it’s supposed to! In the meantime I’m counting my blessings…It’s time to Let go, and Let God! <3

There is NO getting ready, life is MESSY

2011-05-05T09:55:00.000-07:00

So, I dropped my phone in the toilet sometime last week, and due to my brilliance… it decided to stop working last night. Just in time for finals! How did I wake up without an alarm you might be thinking? Well… I didn’t really go to bed. So now, not only have I been studying, but I seem to have gotten a few other things done in the meantime! It’s now 7:19 am and I just had an “AHA” moment while meditating!

In the mornings I try to get up about fifteen mintues before I need to. I usually lay in bed with my eyes closed, and think of everything that I’m grateful for! Sometimes I'll attempt meditating… if my brain feels up to calming itself from incessant thought that is! During my mediations I sometimes have random rhymes come to my head… (Probably because I’m a songwriter) and this morning the lyrics fit perfectly with my new song, and basically where I’m at in my life right now. “There is no getting ready, Life is messy!” –So true

I seem to have grown up thinking that ONE day I’ll be happy, or ONE day I’ll get “THERE.” But the truth is… get ready for it… THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS THERE!!! It’s true for making the money, getting the job, finding the relationship, looking a certain way, or finally allowing yourself to find a balance. Happiness isn’t in the achievement of the goal, it’s in the process.

It makes me think back to when I used to diet SOOOO intensely! My thought process was “If I sacrifice, then I’ll look a certain way, and once I look that certain way, then my life will be great, and I’ll be so happy.” FALSE. If anything, I was miserable, self- destructive, and by the time I had met my goals, I was too terrified to go backwards! I got into some bad patterns, and none of them led to freedom from my self-inflicted suffering. It took many years of sheer hell for me to realize that being, having, or striving isn’t worth “IT” whatever we think "IT" is that will ultimately full-fill us!

Easier said than done… I know. “There is NO getting ready, life is MESSY” – This motto currently relates directly to my dating life! I’ve been pretty terrified of getting into a relationship again. They scare the shit of out me… haha can’t lie. Relationships are mirrors reflecting back to you everything you’re insecure about within your-self. I had my heart shredded not too long ago, and the emotional turmoil I put myself through was enough to make anyone jump off a cliff! I swore I wouldn’t ever go into a relationship again without feeling perfect… that way I wouldn’t feel insecure, or inferior. The problem with this theory is that I’m not perfect, and never will be.

Conclusion= I guess it’s just time to be compassionate with myself. I mess up, I make mistakes, but I’m human. No one could possibly be harder on myself than ME, and I’ve decided I wont miss out on love because of what I experienced before. Other people can choose to close their hearts, but maybe I’ll try leaving mine wide open this time around! I can no longer try to get ready for “THE PERFECT BOY” because he doesn’t exist either. There is only who God puts in front of me, and from there I guess the inner work begins! So, there is NO getting “ready”… for anything. This is who I am, and where I’m currently at in life... Haha and yes. It’s very, very, very MESSY!!!

ManEATER!

2010-04-16T17:28:00.001-07:00

Man-Eater!
So, Natalee is very good at this whole blog thing. I would think I was too if she wasn’t my sister whom I’m constantly compared to! Hahah ohwell. I have more fun than she does, so it all balances out! Anyways… these past couple of months have been nuts. And now I’ve completely written off boys. My plan is to be a man-eater this summer, and it’s going to be great! Will sorta effed me over, and likes to keep me on his string. I wrote a kick ass song the other day called “love me or leave me,” and it basically sums up everything that I went through with him. Things were going so great, on the fast track to “a legit relationship” then he started playing mind games, and it went downhill from there. Now he thinks it’s fun to keep re-appearing in my life when I finally get him off my brain! Whatever, I’ve spent way too much time caring, and not enough time moving on! That’s about to change!

This summer it’s all about turning the tables. I’ve got my group of gal pals, some fierce stiletto’s, and a soon-to-be amazing tan! I’m not about to try and get Will back, but I’m going to have some serious fun! No man is worth tears, and I’m glad I learned that… even though it was the hard way! I have a great group of girls friends surrounding me, and we’ve had some fantastic bonding moments. All I can say is at least I got some great music out of the deal! I feel bad for all the suckers who are going to date me this summer! Hahaha Who’se the playa now? Woot woot!

Summer list!!!

Nails-check
Natalee (aka sidekick) -check
Brazillian wax- check
Tan- soon to be check
Gym- check
Summer trips-check
Stilettos-check
Gloss-check
Group of lovely ladies to roll with-check
Sushi-check
New bikini’s-check
Summer reads- check
Pool-check
Cosmo/Glamour-check, check
NYC-check
Shows/tour-check
Guitar-check
Yoga-check
Sex and The City- check

Yep, I’m all set…
Bring on the boys baby! hahahha

Always say I love you!

2010-03-25T11:08:00.000-07:00

A lot has gone on in these past few filled-to-the-max weeks! Nat and I were so excited for spring break, and then we got the news that our good family friend Trent Walker passed in a car accident. It really put things into perspective for me. Life is precious, time is fleeting, and I really wish that it didn’t take huge tragedy’s to remind me to say I love you, and always be kind. I love you Trent. We’ll miss you forever

All I need is noodle!

2010-02-25T12:00:00.001-08:00

My mom is cleaning the kitchen, we’re watching wife swap and laughing so hard! Some people man… wow, extreme! So we just got some really great news about our new manager, who is taking on our duo come Monday! This is amazing! I can’t tell everything that’s happening, but I can tell you that it’s gonna be good, and I’ll be writing all along the way!

So…Why is it the second you stop caring about a boy, then they suddenly realize how much they like you, and that’s when they don’t leave you alone? I guess it’s true that the second you let something go, it comes back. Will has come back into the picture! We’re going out this weekend, but I tell ya what… if he doesn’t continually step up his game, then he is bye bye! I have far too much on my plate to worry about silly males!

I don’t need a boyfriend if I have Noodle! Natalee and I have managed to laugh hysterically every single day! We duke it out occasionally, but we always have something to joke about. Our current joke is this boy who just doesn’t get the hint, so I told Nat to tell him she’s seeing me exclusively! No room for anyone else in our relationship! haha I’m thinking we’re gonna have to marry brothers, and all of us share one giant mansion and live happily ever after! My mom thinks we’re weird… and she often states it when we get in our “zone.” It truly is a zone she and I have created! When we’re in sync, it’s like we can read each others minds. All of our friends tease us and say we’re on our own frequency… probably true!

Loving the messy parts

2010-02-21T08:51:00.000-08:00

We all have things about us that we hate, certain things that we just wish didn’t exist within our realm of being. Wonder if…. We looked at those qualities, and started to really love them. Wonder if we started to embrace the messy parts of ourselves? What would that look like? I have a goal this week… I will not allow myself to feel bad. It’s so funny how thoughts create our emotions, and WE are the ones who allow those thoughts to prey opon us, and just roll around in our little brains! SO, Let’s change our thoughts! We all mess up, I did this morning… but that’s just me, and I’m really going to start to be okay with who I am. I’m just trying my best, and in the end your best is all you can really do!

Sugar Coma!

2010-02-17T16:08:00.001-08:00

So this weekend was kind of out of control! Okay, a-lot out of control! Our main goal was to eat as much sugar as possible, and we succeeded! It’s been two days since, and I still feel sick from the whole ordeal! Sarah came into town on Friday, and we immediately drove straight to the “Vagina Monologues” from the airport! It was hilarious! Our friend Hailee was in the play, and we sat front row! We stopped at Krispy Kreme on the way home, after ColdStone… and we got 4 boxes of doughnuts for FREE! Such a situation! We laughed, and caught up on each others life’s the whole way home, and layed in bed till 3:30 laughing about what ugly children Natalee and I were! Hahahha we were whacked with the awkward stick!

Natalee set her alarm for 9:00am so she could get more sugar in! We seriously lounged around and ate, baked, laughed, played guitar, and shot video’s all day! Talk about unproductive! We did quite a bit of damage! Hahha so, since it was valentines weekend, of course the topic of men came up! We talked about relationships, how screwed up boys are, female empowerment, and our crushes. Damn those crushes… I wish I could stop liking Will, but he keeps sneaking his way back into my life! He was supposed to call me, and come over Saturday night… but NO! I decided on a two week rule. If it didn’t progress within that amount of time, then it wasn’t worth it! Saturday night was so much fun, so he’s the one who missed out! We had people over, and the night ended in the game “never have I ever!” ( I’m very shocked at what some of my friends have done in their young lives!) and a veteran passed out on our TV room floor!

All three of us were pretty upset about men. Me with Will, Sarah with her ex boyfriend, and Natalee with “he who must not be named!” We made our friend Chris stay till 5:30 giving us relationship advide while we sat perched on the countertops eating our dinner leftovers! Oh… and quoting the drunken veteran! He was quite hilarious!

Ahhaha then next day was valentines day, and I woke up to find that will was all the sudden so interested in talking to me. Ugh, hate when they do that! He asked me out again last night, but he just plays mind- eff games, so I made a conscious choice to not read into it! Natalee and I have sworn off night-life for a little while! We’re ready to get full use of our sweats, and DVD player! Hahha anyways… so Valentines we had our female empowerment party! We had such a good time being positive, and just loving being girls! It’s so nice to not need a boyfriend!

The weekend was just nice! Minus our food bellies that protruded in every shirt we changed into! We saw movies, went out to eat, laughed a lot, told stories, went shopping, and just got to be girls! We ate ourselves into an oblivion, and now I’m back to the stupid protein diet! I don’t know if I’ll have another balls out sugar weekend… it was a little much. (and I felt like I was going to have a heart attack!) Maybe I’ll do what kim Kardashian does, and create treat Friday! I love sugar <3

If I'm not an artist... then who am I?

2010-02-10T12:00:00.001-08:00

So, since I wrote last a lot has happened. This week has been pretty brutal. Mostly because of all the deadlines that decided to land upon the same week. Also, this is the last week before Valentines Day, and I’m so sick of eating protein and vegetables! Only 4 more days! It’s gonna be an estrogen fest, and I can’t wait! One of my best friends Sarah text me, and said she broke up with her boyfriend. So, instead of visiting him for v-day, she’ll be staying with me! It’s perfect timing, because I’ve been talking to that “wise woman” and we decided that I need a side project outside of FALK. I’ve been writing a lot, and Sarah is also a songwriter. We have almost the exact same life, as far as what we do, what we’ve been through, and where we’re going. I have a feeling that a lot of great music will come out of this weekend.

Speaking of music. I’ve written a lot about this stupid boy Will. It’s so funny that I’ve made him such a bigger deal in my head than he actually is. But I’m a female… and that’s what we do! Last weekend I ran into him seriously every day. I must have some serious attracting powers going on! We each pretended to not see each other. So whatever. He text me a few days ago, and I was so giddy. It sounds lame, but this boy NEVER texts! I was super happy about it all day. We were planning on hanging out, and I was thinking “oh… I was so silly for thinking he didn’t like me anymore.” Well. That night he started talking to Natalee. It sucks to have such a pretty sister sometimes. Oh well, I’m used to it. Moments like that really make the good gut wrenching songs. I just wish I could write them about someone else’s life sometimes.

If I couldn’t write, I wonder who I would be, and how I would express myself. Well, I paint so that doesn’t count…but I wonder if I would know who I am. It seems like music has been my identity, and lately I’m trying to let that go, and find a life outside of performing, production, writing, playing etc. What do other people do? Movies, sports, dates? Idk how to do a lot of that stuff. I skipped quite a bit of school, and sacrificed so much of a a light hearted childhoodfor my dreams that I don’t know how to be in relationships, or have girl friends that I open up to. I mostly save that for my music. I’ve been trying, and I guess I’m holding on the “Will situtation” … hoping for a distraction from my life as a musician. Dunno… lots of deep questions going on now… slightly uncomfortable.

Well, I have a lot of guitar practicing to do… I just don’t really feel like playing what instructors tell me! I like to make up my own stuff! Hahah I also have a Buddhism paper to write… don’t want to do that either! I’ll meditate, that’s about as Buddhist as I’ll get today! I’m sending my <3,>

3 M's!

2010-02-05T15:04:00.000-08:00

3 M’s!

So, I’ve been reading over my past blogs… and I realized that I have left the personal touch out of my little tales. So. It’s time to dive in, and tell the truth about what’s going on in my life! At the moment, Natalee and I are watching “Julie, and Julia” it’s phenomenal, and very painful because we are both on strict diets! We are eating protein, and a butt load of vegetables every day! We’re planning a sugar day on Valentines Day, and every day we Google deserts, and discuss what we are going to bake. Pathetic I know… but it’s probably the only thing keeping me from cheating!

Music-

We were in New York last weekend meeting with Freddy Wexler. He discovered Lady GaGa, and has quite the resume. It went SO well, and we’ll hopefully begin working together soon! We had so much fun in NYC! We saw Wicked for the first time, and Natalee and I began to use our new video camera for “webisodes!” My mom wasn’t too happy about it; because once the lights were out we began filming. (Let’s just say she’ll have a starring role in the first episode. And with NO makeup on!) hahaha

Men-

Last night I went to dinner with an ex boyfriend. We shall call him (David) anyways… David and I are hopefully going to be friends. He’s been so angry with me, and at the same time still in love with me. Contradictory. I know. I should preface this by saying that I only agreed to dinner because my relationship with… lets call him (Will) was moving forward, and once david asked me back I would be able to say sorry. I’m dating someone else…or at least it was until I went to New York. I came home with expectations, and they weren’t frickin met! I was seriously on the edge of falling for him too. L oh well. At least I got about 4 good songs out of him. And now I get to try to find every fault in his pictures when I stalk his facebook… it’s what I do when someone doesn’t want me they way I want them. This diet doesn’t make it any easier either. I was talking about this with Nat the other day. I said, “what’s the point of being rejected if you can’t drown your sorrows in a bowl of ice cream?” she thought that was hilarious, and decided to make it her status… courtesy of me! Hahha oh well. I’m open to a new relationship, and I’m glad that I finally set David free. Good thing too, cuz now he’s dating one of my friends (not weird AT all) oh well. That’s life.

Me-

So, I’m obviously trying to work on myself. I’m on a protein kick (which I’ve mentioned…) it’s really taught me the importance of ketchup, and coffee mate! Ah the little luxuries I’d give an appendage for right now! Hahha so… I was talking to a very wise woman the other day and I was telling her how frustrated I get with music, school, boys, and just trying to balance it all. She told me to just know what I want in life, and allow it to work out how it’s supposed to! “Alexa, stop trying to figure out the details, just flow downstream.” She also told me my assignment for this week was to say yes. Now, I know this sounds easy, but I’m a NO kinda girl. I like things planned out, and I like it my way, on my time, and my ideas. This will be good, and very uncomfortable for me. I told Natalee and about this, and she said “you shouldn’t have told me that!” hahha that little skeez is going to take advantage of my homework for this week! An example: I hate dance parties… but I was asked to go to Mardi Gras tomorrow… so I’m gonna man up and just go. Blah. One more opportunity to sweat and punish my feet! Sounds like a BLAST! Not! Anyways… no date for v -day, but I’ve got my noodle (Natalee) and that’s all I need J

Trust NO ONE until they prove you wrong

2010-01-18T09:25:00.001-08:00

Maybe I'm just in a bad mood because of last night, but I feel like my eyes have been forced open. open wide enough to see the certain people that have surrounded me. In life why is it that we are so confused as to what matters most? We put good looks above a good heart, and status over honesty. I caught myself last night, in a sketchy place, with people I thought I knew well... but they turned to be...well... sketchy. ahhaha

Natalee is really good at following her intuition, I should probably say hello to mine more often. It will probably force me to re-evaluate my life and my "so-called-friends," and that will be hard. It's hard to realize that not everyone is looking out for you... or has your best interest at heart. I'm going to forgive those people... and move on with my life... with eyes wide open :)

Goodbye TEENAGE years!

2009-12-07T13:17:00.000-08:00

Only 23 more days until my 20^th birthday. Not gonna lie… I’m pretty stoked! Most people say that their teen years were the time of their life, and for me they will be the years that I spend the rest of my life getting over! Hahha some people fear getting older, but I’m so looking forward to it! That just means more memories, more laughter, more lessons to be learned, and the more self- assured I’ll be with myself.

I wish I could go back to my 16 yr old self, and knock some sense into that girl, but I can’t… I can only try to help other teenagers, and hope that they like themselves a little more than I did. Hopefully they will have respect for where they are at in life, and not wish they were someone else.

I have a lot of work to do. I’m starting my new years resolutions early, and hopefully I’ll be all fixed by the time I’m officially 20! (probably not gonna happen) but at least I can put my teen years behind me!

I’m female, I’m 19, I’m pale, I’m tall, I’m freckled, I’m flawed, and I’m fabulous!

2009-11-24T13:06:00.000-08:00

With Being in the music business I have had a lot of people tell me what to do, and for once I don’t care anymore! Since I can remember I have been trying to break, shape, cut, stretch, slim, and color myself into the “perfect mold.” It wasn’t until I moved to Boston, and lived on my own did I realize “wow, this is my life. I make the calls. If I’m unhappy, then I get to fix it.”

I read a lot of books, and I’m fascinated with learning, and creating projects. My most recent project has been myself. I want to push myself physically, mentally, and spiritually. I’m taking this time to find what I’m made of. I’m a tough girl, and I can hang with the big boys if I want to. Never again will I allow someone else’s opinions of me, define what I think of myself. I have to remember that saying every day. I have a lot of pressure from so-called “superiors.” They still try to tell me what I need to be, say, think and do… but I’m going to do what I believe in, I have to do what feels right for me. This is my life, and I don’t have to justify it.

I’m okay with the fact that I can’t please everyone. As long as I’m pleasing myself then that is all that matters. I’m learning to love myself deeply and completely, it’s the beginning of a life-long romance J

So far I know for sure that I love…

Reading. I read about 3 books a week. I love living as someone else, and learning.

Eating. Chocolate, coffee, and ketchup are the most amazing novelties that I couldn’t live without!

Culture. I’m fascinated with people, the fine arts, music, traveling

Writing. I’m a poet at heart. Self-expression is amazing!

Love. We are one, I love all people. I can see myself in everyone!

God. I love all religions. I believe they serve a purpose in guiding us to spirit, and helping us be our greatest selves!

I don’t want to compare myself anymore… No one in this world can do a better job of being me than I can!

Here is the first one! (Welcome to my life as of now!)

2009-10-05T11:57:00.000-07:00

(my life in a suitcase!)

So... This is officially my first blog! I've been procrastinated when it came to doing this because I know that once I start i'll become addicted! Anyways... i'll update you with what is going on in my life! I've been apart of a band called "Faces Without Names" with my sister Natalee for the past 3 years. We just went on tour and recorded a new album BUT we wont be releasing it under FWN anymore! We're going by our last name FALK!

Everything is literally insane right now. I left Berklee College Of Music to pursue our music career, and now we're sharing a 2 bedroom 1/2 house with our entire family while we go to USU! At least we are in one place, and not living as much out of a suitcase like we were for the past six months! At the moment we're in Logan Utah of all places doing the guitar program, and the marketing class up here is using us as their project... so we're hoping it all works out! Natalee and I are finding ways to entertain ourselves. One example would be our bedroom! we weren't allowed to change any of the furniture in this old school place, so we decided to take on the challenge of decorating! It's so ugly, and cluttered that it's become cute! We have spent EVERY WAKING (and sleeping) second together! -and what little time we do have apart we usually spend face-booking, or texting each-other! It's a problem! hahahha life is good, and we are just going with what comes our way...because when things are this crazy what else can you do?

(This room has been completely transformed! It incorporates every color imaginable! the other half is clutter city, but we love our humble abode! We should probably stick to our day jobs!) hahah

I'm so stoked for the new music we just did! for any of you who are fans of "Deadly Beauty," we just re-did it, and it's sick to say the least! I can't wait to release the new stuff! I'm pretty happy with life, minus the fact that it's my job to clean the bathroom (did I mention my entire family is sharing a two bedroom ONE bathroom 1/2 house! ONE bathroom people!!! It's Such a situation!

Anyways... I'll keep you posted on how this all works out!

-Alexa FALK

xoxo